I'm way more happy than you

I am in an eternal state of bliss! In other words, I am SO happy! I bet you're not as happy as me. There's no way you could be. And the people who I USED to hang out with should know, they could never make me as happy as the people I hang out with now! You should feel inadequate about your ability to make people feel THIS happy. You may have made me chuckle a little, but the NEW people are so much better. They make me feel actual happiness. Work on your happy-making skills. And try to be as happy as me. It'll be hard. You probably won't be able to be as happy as I am right now since I don't have to rely on your shoddy happy-makingness anymore since now they are people who are happy to make happy me, who is happy. Wait, not even happy. Blissful. (note: This is a joke. I'm just joking around. I'm being satirical. My old friends are good, too.)

Truth #8

My mind has been in a somnambulist state of meditative stasis. Now I am awake and in balance with the universe. My chai is all warm and yummy. I can walk without making a sound. I can think without formulating an actual thought. To be in pure tantrum harmony, read my blog today!

Dr. Kaurh "I know, cause I'm a doctor!"

Signs of depression can include ass, probability theorem, tightness while dancing, cough, look at me!, ovary, rocketman, a tooth, nieces and nephews, rotting corpse, stop, interior wood paneling, shadowbox, mookie, frob, gog, snax, equal partnership, plurals, opinion, spraying yourself in the eye with an air-freshener. Those are the only symptoms known by medical science stuff. Buy my new book: DR. KAURH: They don't use rail guards on skateboards anymore. Didn't they help you rail-slide? No, the weight wasn't distributed no good. And plus, the rail guard could possibly snag on the edge of a curb or rail! Thanks

Review of WORDS THAT ARE WISE

"I laughed a couple of times, but Words That Are Wise Blog is tired. It's just random thoughts, and a bunch of misguided jabs at new age staples like meditation, yoga, and horoscopes, stuff that really helps people. Whoever does this blog should keep his day job!" --Anonymous Reviewer, deceased (1994-2012) R.I.P.

HorrorScope #4

It is February 24th in the year of our Lord 2012. You are Pisceans. You're alright. You're malleable. You are sensitive to the feelings of others. You are popular with all people. You like tacos. You brush between your toes. You will win the lottery. You will read your horrorscope.  You think you're sooooo SPECIAL!

Movie Preview: The Turtle Has Landed

In a world he didn't understand. In a time of violent chaos. One man, standing alone. Against all odds. In a race against the clock. Standing alone. In a world. Chaos. Odds. Clock. Standing. Understand. Race. World. A. He. All. Time. In.

Truth #7 Dinner with Richard

Hello there, Mr. I've-had-a-bad-day! You weren't treated quite as nicely as you would have liked? You feel as though your ego has been trampled like so much dung underfoot? You want to feel better about yourself? Well, then why don't you try to look OUTSIDE rather than in? You have been mesmerized by your own image as the slighted martyr on the cross. Look out at that big world. Be concerned with something other than yourself for a moment. Oh, and can you pass me a napkin?

Truth #6 The Testicular Cancer of Life

Every day is a winding road. I just came up with this realization while meditating. Yes, every day....winding road. It's like your riding on a bike. The bike of life. Sometimes on this bike, your juevos rancheros start to get sore. Then you go to the doctor because the pain won't stop. Then you find out you have testicular cancer. Then you get one removed. Then you are more streamlined and can win more races. Like the race of life. It's like my meditation. I can meditate in one second. I'm the fastest meditator around. Spell-check is telling me meditator is not a word. Well, how fast can spell-check meditate? Huh? Point, match!

Children's Book Script: Talbert the Donkey Hair

Talbert was a donkey hair. Talbert didn't care. He was a donkey hair. He was disappointed that Mervyn's went out of business. The end. (I need someone to do illustrations.)

HorrorScope #3

Today you will be filled with joy and a sense of peace. Not real peace. Just a sense that it exists somewhere in the world. Your day will be filled with tension, chaos, and nervousness. You will fidget uncontrollably. You will either tap the tips of your fingers together or roll your knuckles off one another. You will meet a tall man with black hair. Your name is Bob. Or Denise. Or Kyle. Or Steve. Your lottery number is the word squeegee.

Yoga #1 How to give the world a hug

How to give the world a hug: Did you know that the whole world is just and extension of you? Brooklyn could be your arm. That guy Jeff could be your torso. This yoga exercise will show you how to embrace the world, and in turn embrace yourself.  Go outside. Lay face down on the ground. (If other people are around, that's okay. They laugh and point because they are filled with your joy energy!) Outstretch your arms. Now hug! Hug the world! Tight! Give the world a big bear hug. Can you feel the world hugging back?

Truth #5

.................BORED! Set up my new Iphone. Went to the spa. The lady at the front desk is fat. I have a callous on my left big toe.

Meditation #2 Sarcastic Meditation

Sit down in a chair. Don't operate heavy machinery. Or go ahead and do it. What do I care? The most important thing while you practice this meditation journey is to do it with sarcasm. Let a sarcastic smile play across your lips as you relax. Think to yourself, "Oh, yeah! I'm REALLY feeling RELAXED now!" And roll your eyes as you laugh bitterly in your dark, dark heart. Now breathe. Shake your head slightly as you do, to signify your haughty defiance. Feel the stress in your body drain away. Feel it be replaced by a jocular disdain for this whole process. There. Feel better? Please join me next time as I describe rejuvenating sado-masochistic yoga techniques.

Time Machine

Happy New Years 2011! This year is going to be great.  I predict that Qaddafi will step down and embrace peace and his people will embrace him with love, forgiveness and goodwill. I predict that the middle class will balloon and no longer will 99% of people be poor and 1% be rich. I predict that EVERYBODY will listen to Variety Reál and it will become the most popular podcast in history. And I'm the best psychic in the world, so BET ON IT!