Children's Book Script: Talbert the Donkey Hair

Talbert was a donkey hair. Talbert didn't care. He was a donkey hair. He was disappointed that Mervyn's went out of business. The end. (I need someone to do illustrations.)

HorrorScope #3

Today you will be filled with joy and a sense of peace. Not real peace. Just a sense that it exists somewhere in the world. Your day will be filled with tension, chaos, and nervousness. You will fidget uncontrollably. You will either tap the tips of your fingers together or roll your knuckles off one another. You will meet a tall man with black hair. Your name is Bob. Or Denise. Or Kyle. Or Steve. Your lottery number is the word squeegee.

Yoga #1 How to give the world a hug

How to give the world a hug: Did you know that the whole world is just and extension of you? Brooklyn could be your arm. That guy Jeff could be your torso. This yoga exercise will show you how to embrace the world, and in turn embrace yourself.  Go outside. Lay face down on the ground. (If other people are around, that's okay. They laugh and point because they are filled with your joy energy!) Outstretch your arms. Now hug! Hug the world! Tight! Give the world a big bear hug. Can you feel the world hugging back?

Truth #5

.................BORED! Set up my new Iphone. Went to the spa. The lady at the front desk is fat. I have a callous on my left big toe.

Meditation #2 Sarcastic Meditation

Sit down in a chair. Don't operate heavy machinery. Or go ahead and do it. What do I care? The most important thing while you practice this meditation journey is to do it with sarcasm. Let a sarcastic smile play across your lips as you relax. Think to yourself, "Oh, yeah! I'm REALLY feeling RELAXED now!" And roll your eyes as you laugh bitterly in your dark, dark heart. Now breathe. Shake your head slightly as you do, to signify your haughty defiance. Feel the stress in your body drain away. Feel it be replaced by a jocular disdain for this whole process. There. Feel better? Please join me next time as I describe rejuvenating sado-masochistic yoga techniques.

Time Machine

Happy New Years 2011! This year is going to be great.  I predict that Qaddafi will step down and embrace peace and his people will embrace him with love, forgiveness and goodwill. I predict that the middle class will balloon and no longer will 99% of people be poor and 1% be rich. I predict that EVERYBODY will listen to Variety Reál and it will become the most popular podcast in history. And I'm the best psychic in the world, so BET ON IT!