HorrorScope #2

If you were born today, you are a Capricorn. Capricorns are wise and frugal. They are also half-goat. That's pretty messed up. Today, you will experience a great windfall of money, love, Playstation 3 games, emoticons, carrots, and bulldozers. You may think someone is trying to make fun of you today. Meditate and yoga better than them and you will get the best revenge! Your lottery number is 3. That's right. Just 3. Leave the other spaces blank and you will win cash and respect of your peers.

Truth #4

Cleverness is not wisdom. --Euripides. I bet I could kick his ass. He sounds like a punk. I bet he can't meditate as peacefully as me! Jack-hole! 

Truth #3

I have meditated so successfully that I have completely cleared my mind of all thoughts. Oh yeah, Merry Christmas. And there's New Years after that. 

HorrorScope #1

If you were born today, you are a Sagittarius. You're also only a few hours old. Look for much success in your business relationships today.

Truth #2

The bankers have almost single-handedly ruined the economy. 99% of the country is up in arms, and the 1% rich elite send their police to suppress the poor's mere occupation of public areas. Gaddafi, Hussein, and Jong-Il have died and left vacuums of instability in their wake. You know what? New Seasons is having an organic wine tasting soiree this weekend. I love their quinoa! 

Christmas Wishes

Sit down. Relax. Feel the pressures of the day just leave your body. A special day is coming up. It's called Christmas. It's named after Jesus Christ, who is almost as popular as The Beatles. Think of the Beatles. Think of that song. How does it go? "You know my name. Write down my number on a pad of paper." Smell the holly and the ivy. Drink down the warm eggnog. Relax. Get a crystal and put it over a loved one's head. Kiss them. Now, relax. While you're kissing that loved one. Let your lips droop. Ignore them when they say, "Hey, why are you just standing there? You're not kissing me anymore. You're just standing there with your lips pressed against mine." Smile in the secret knowledge that it's almost Christmas. Read some tarot cards.

Meditation #1 - Tea Good For You

Sit down. Relax. Wait, get back up. Because you have to make some wonderful tea to soothe you. Go make the tea. Now sit down again. Wait, go back and get your tea. You need it to soothe you. Sit down with your tea. Blow on it. Feel the peace. Feel the quiet. Stretch out. Maybe you should put the tea aside so you don't spill it. There. Feel the relaxment flow through your body.

Truth #1

Every dream is like a bird in the bush, which is better than a horse that you can't lead to a watering hole since you can't take it with you when you go away and try to fool half the people all the time, because it's always darkest before the middle of the night's silver lining.